CRACKS

Do you love yourselves?

Do you hate yourselves?

How much do you love you?

How much do you hate you?

...

I happen to be one who tries to love everything i hate about me. Maybe same thing is happening to you. 

I am a guy who is NOT ugly, yes i'm aware of that, and on the other hand i am NOT handsome as well. Some says i'm adorable. I think i'm smart enough, cute enough, fashionable enough, kind enough, sweet enough, and just enough. So why bothered when what i have is already enough? Here goes the story...

I have a friend, a close friend, a best friend indeed. I always call him the best mate, and he really is. We're the same age, we both work in fashion, we both are gay, we both are funny, and i believe we both are fabulous. People think we're dating and that's sweet. People who don't think we're dating think we're absolutely a superb duo, a double trouble. We've been friends for probably 3 or 4 years and personally, i feel so blessed to have him. The thing is, it is undeniable that there are moments where i feel that our friendship has somehow turned into a competition. We both have a lot of common qualities, only he is beyond me in everything. 

1. Physically, he is way cuter than i am. He is a bit shorter than me, but he has this fair skin and super adorable look with the rosy cheeks. I, on the contrary, was born with a rather dark skin and urmmm, people tend to say i look older than my age. 

2. Even if we're more like 'sisters' than 'brothers', this guy is manlier than me. Not that u hate the fact that i behave girly, but again, manlier guy is more acceptable. And he is cuter (again). He dresses himself all with black attire, with a rock n roll touch, leather jacket, combat boots, while i dress myself in a much more preppy and elegant way. Tell me who will look more easy on the eyes. Yes, it's him.

3. We both are funny. We both make jokes and we both laugh HARD, but do we need two clowns in one group? No, we don't. Please eliminate the bad looking one and let the fabulous clown stay. 

These three things i wrote above are just few of many other things i feel. There were also shitty times where the guys i like ignored me, only for me to find that they finally lay their eyes on him and i can't be jealous because this is not his fault. Maybe you will say that i must have other things to be proud of other than this whole 'look' thingy. I probably write better than him, speak a slightly better English than him, a bit taller than him, got a higher GPA score than him, but do people really see these things i have? NO! I feel outshined, outshadowed, worthless...

The most torturing things about this is why can't i be happy for him? i have this jealousy that i'm afraid is growing into hatred but i can't let myself to. I can't hate someone i love so deep, someone i am proud of, someone i call a best mate. He is the reflection i can never run from. A reminder that what i have is not even a half of he has. Shallowly i confess, shamelessly i confess, that i might hate my own bestfriend...  

i've cracked us...